Meme from my very best @luninosity~

last movie i watched: Wonder Woman. total number of times I saw it, twice. on hindsight, I watched it the first time with co-workers and did not entirely enjoy myself. I have finally gotten to be extremely protective of watching-movies-by-myself, which is a big thing since for 17 years I was always with someone when I was in the cinema.
last song i listened to: “Umbrella” by Rihanna, because of Tom Holland 
last book i read: Chris Hadfield’s memoir of life in space, An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth. I have since left it at my workplace on a sort of semi-permanent loan (and currently I cannot find it in the bookshelves, which can only mean two things – either someone is happily reading it, or someone has eaten it! XD)
last thing i ate: pizza. one was topped with pepperoni, and the other with white sauce, different cheeses, bacon, bell pepper, ham, and mushrooms. I must be a purist of some kind, because I enjoyed the pepperoni one more
where would you want to time travel to: Heian-era Kyoto, so I could meet Murasaki Shikibu
fictional character i would hang out with for a day: a decidedly not-dead Cassian Andor. and also Bodhi Rook. 
if i could be anywhere right now, where would i be: I want to go back to that beach I visited when I joined the company summer outing. failing that, I want to be sitting on the sidewalk near the National Gallery of Singapore.
current fandom obsession: Star Wars Rogue One and very specifically Rebelcaptain (Jyn/Cassian)! they aten’t dead!

Tagging: @impossibletruths @imsfire2 @insideofadoge @madmartho @rapidashpatronus @johanirae @awesomethingsaregoodforyou @eclair and anyone else who wants <3

the post-May-the-Fourth post

Lucky for me I have some very little experience in dressing up in unusual costumes. But this is a thing I never had the pleasure of doing, before last night.

Ready?

Okay. This was what I did at the office for Star Wars theme night. :)

Perhaps there should have been some glitter, but the costume was not mine, so I didn’t want to make life difficult for the owner when it comes to upkeep / maintenance of the items.

So I am seriously seriously considering shelling out for my very own set of Jedi robes, in my own measurements, and possibly in my own colors — I would have probably gone with gray accents. And maybe I can get that done in time for December? Hmmm. This needs a little consideration. :)

my hat is very pink.

and I am wearing it because I am a woman and I am fighting for all my sisters all over the world, whatever the bodies they are in, whatever the colors of their skins, whatever languages they might speak. I stand with my sisters all over the world.

(I came up with this particular pattern on my own after looking up several other crochet and knit versions online. The yarn and hooks came from GantsilyoPH.)

something I had made, because I thought it would be a good idea

(In image: single dog tag with embossed information, on a ball-link chain that also includes a military-style mini can opener. The dog tag contains the following information: a last name, a first name plus initials, blood type, date of birth, and nature of chronic illness.)

I don’t need or want to tempt fate. But I had this made in case of emergency, and as an additional means of identification, should it ever be needed. *knocks on wood* Maybe it might give others an idea, too, I don’t know — but if it should be useful, I offer it up here as an example.

coming out post.

Friendly neighborhood chocobo female-PJ here.

And yes, this is a coming out post, because:

I’m not straight.

I’m queer.

I like guys and I like girls.

I think I’m still open to change in terms of who I’d like to go out with and who I’d like to be in bed with.

But yeah, right now? Me. Not straight. Queer and proud, and also now out.

I’m 34.

Here’s a photo of me from many, many years ago indeed.

I’m here. I’m alive. I’m surviving.

About me

Out of darkness, yet shall I follow a path of greater darkness. From the mountain crest, far-off moon, give me light.

(和泉式部
izumi shikibu, 978?-)

My name is PJ. I’m in my mid-thirties and I’m from the Philippines. I was previously a PR agency writer and an English teacher. Now I spend my time doing what freelancing work comes my way.

I have a mental illness. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in the first quarter of 2015. I went to therapy. I was put on a course of medications. (I can still tell you what the generic names of those meds are.) At present, I’m off the meds, and I’m not seeing my therapist.

I was, or I guess I should say I still am, married. I loved my husband for the 13 years before we got married, and I loved my husband for the better part of about four more years after we got married, and then, well, there was a sudden breakup.

Or maybe it wasn’t that sudden. Maybe things had been heading towards the precipice, and over it, for a long time. He loved other women, and never stopped looking for other women to love, and for a while I let myself become a willing accomplice and enabler for his needs. For a while I gave up all of my own wants and needs for the sake of staying together with him.

All of this is in the past tense now, except for the fact that I am technically still married.

I saw my husband today. I had braced myself to feel like a wreck after seeing him. I had been getting ready to console myself. I had expected to have to stop and take a moment so that I could focus on the rest of the day.

Today, I looked briefly into his face, into his eyes, and realized that there was nothing left of “us”.

I’m a little surprised that all the feelings that I used to have are gone, and it’s only been six months since we broke up.

I’m surprised and relieved.

Which doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped feeling lonely and sorry for myself. But those things are not exclusive to a breakup. Those things are part of my depression, and always have been. They have been my constant companions through the years, so — well, literally speaking, what else is new?

I’m not new to the blogging thing. And I’m not new to the journaling thing either.

Here I’ll write about myself, and my mental illness, and the things that affect me and make me think. Maybe I’m doing this in the faint hope that someone out there might find some kind of help in what I have to say. Maybe I’m doing this to remind myself of what I need to do and what I have already been through.

(Which means I’m really going to need to put some kind of organization on this blog. Tags or something. But even when I’m writing for myself I only ever pay lip service to the idea of outlines and organizations and things like that….)

(Can I possibly trick myself into thinking that organizing my thoughts here might also help me to organize the rest of my life?)

If you read this and got all the way to the end, thank you. If you read this and decide to follow me and my blog, thank you. If you read this and decide I’m a little bit full of it, well, thanks for reading anyway.

Here I am. And here is my road to that elusive place called Recovery — which is just another step to the promised land called Happiness.